This movie was so bad I had to tell it... in my own words. And because I'm going to tell it from beginning to end, here I place a...
MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!
You've been warned.
The place: North Africa.
The people:
a) Marlene Dietrich, a fragile girl that wants to live in reclusion in the desert after her dad died and
b) Charles Boyer, a monk that escaped from his convent.
And you learn all this in the very first minutes. Really. Zero mystery.
So, Marlene and Charles meet in a train heading for the desert. Well, what really happens is that she looks at him all the way, while he looks...troubled and sad (in Technicolor). When they arrive to destination Charles just go away with his suitcase and a guy offers his services to Marlene. Because he tells some jokes, we know he's the comic relief character.
And by now we also know that Marlene lacks eyebrows (in Technicolor).
Later that day...
Fragile Marlene, wearing a shiny new outfit goes to a popular club in the desert. There is Charles doing what he likes the most: looking sad and troubled, while an exotic dancer moves her skeleton around.
And for some reason we don't get, Marlene is super attracted to the depressed guy. A riot starts and Charles conducts Marlene to the exit. Now they're like BFF and talk like quoting poems from a really bad book. Marlene talks with a tiny voice and when you're trying to figure out why she's imitating Minnie Mouse...
The prediction
...BOOM: a guy that's supposed to be a native fortune-teller, but really is an actor with a heavy dark make up, opens his eyes so much you think his eyeballs are gonna pop out.
And when he completely overacts you know he wants to say something important...but Charles doesn't care and they go away. Some days later, Marlene returns by herself and the fortune-teller predicts that:
a) They're gonna be happy and dream with unicorns and rainbows, BUT...
b) ....
Marlene stops him because she doesn't want to know the bad news. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT WE ALREADY KNOW CHARLES IS A MONK THAT ESCAPED FROM A FREAKING CONVENT AND THEY CAN'T POSSIBLY BE TOGETHER IN THOSE TIMES...unless he's really called Maria and plays the guitar.
Anyway, Marlene and Charles are all like "Hey, meet cha at the oasis (in Technicolor)" etc etc...and even when the local priest warned them, they get married and Charles keeps his little secret.
The happy times.
Their honeymoon consist in wandering through the desert with a bunch of guys and their camels (in Technicolor). I know those are the happy times because the director decided to include some titles in italic that come from nowhere and say cheesy things like:
"Over the sand and under the shiny moon, all their dreams come true".
OK, I kind of modify a little the original text. But Marlene and Charles do say things like (this is for real):
Marlene: The sand is so warm. So alive.
Charles: It is warm for us, Domini. Alive for us.
(They embrace on the sand [In Technicolor]. Fade out).
By now fragile Marlene has worn like 40 different shiny outfits and Charles' expression has gone from sad to super sad.
End of the happy times
As we were expecting, now come the sad times. Not only because the titles have gone, but because Charles is now so depressed that when butterflies are near him, they die; the flowers wither; the hyenas cry; the sad clown commits suicide, etc etc.
Some lost soldiers arrive to the newlyweds' super fancy tents (wait a minute, how can a monk that sworn eternal vows to poverty afford such a trip?). Anyway, one of the soldiers recognizes Charles and leaves without saying a word. Soon after that some guy arrives looking for Charles. Marlene, in another shiny outfit, now really wants to know her husband's secret.
Now you think,"uhm, maybe he had a dark secret, like he killed someone or didn't read the Bible one day...something that compensates knowing the truth all the way."
Charles' explanation is...he saw....a woman....and a guy...hugging (in Technicolor)...and he wanted to feel some love too.
Epilogue.
Marlene is super hyperventilated and overacts just like the fortune-teller. And she protest, using her Minnie Mouse voice: "But, NO, WHY YOU DID IT? YOUR VOWS? WHAT HAPPENED WITH THEM? BUT YOUR VOWS? (changes outfit) AND YOUR VOWS? VOWS! VOWS!...".
And now you know is all over. Because, even when they're officially married, God can't share Charles' love with Marlene and he returns to the convent (in Technicolor)
The end.
Then you stare at the black screen for five minutes.