Old movies told IN MY OWN WORDS

Sometime ago, when I watched tons of old movies and reviewed a lot of them (which is the purpose of this blog) I ran across some films that were...how can I say it? Uhm, different.

These different films had such peculiar elements in their scripts and acting that made me want to tell them...IN MY OWN WORDS. And that's how that series of posts started, a series that I had a blast writing and I hope make you smile a little bit :)

Pick a film and click to read my version:

"Duel in the Sun": In my own words (PART II)

Previously on "Duel in the Sun"

• Tanned Jennifer Jones suffers from a bipolar love: looks in love with Charming Joseph Cotten but goes wild with Bad Gregory Peck.
• Lillian Gish looks fragile.
• Selznick, Vidor and the dozen writers forgot this one was a western.
• Lionel Barrymore always preferred Bad Gregory, but now he exiled Charming Joseph from his ranch
  
• Bad Gregory visited Tanned Jennifer one night. And we literally see lightnings and hear thunders...

Poor Charming Joseph says goodbye to his mom, Fragile Lillian Gish. She's very sad and looks like a little bird. Joseph wants to say goodbye to Jennifer, too. He politely knocks the door.

Silence.

Then Tanned Jennifer asks him to go away.

Then Bad Gregory invites him to come in.

Then another person talks from the inside. A dog barks. A whale...makes its sound. A fourth person laughs...Just kidding. Just the whale...made its sound.

Poor Charming and Lawyer Joseph. He knows what lightnings and thunders and this music mean in a movie. He enters the room. Jennifer cries, Bad Gregory smiles. He politely apologizes for the interruption and walks away.

Jennifer goes after him. She literally says that Bad Gregory is hard to resist and she's trash. Joseph says that's too bad because he loved her and wanted her with him. But he won't forget this night of thunders and lightnings. He goes away, but before leaving the ranch, he politely slaps his brother Gregory.

Some minutes later...Jennifer...I don't know how to describe this scene, see for yourself...

TEST: SCENE COMPREHENSION. In the previous scene... (multiple selections allowed)

Fifth day at her new home (can you believe so much time has passed? Time flies)

Jennifer Jones just freed her wild passion for Bad Gregory. Now she's a big fan of him and every two seconds gives him weird looks and assumes weird poses that according to her acting codes means she's very attracted/but regrets it.

Now she's the one that wants to go to the pond. But when she sees lightnings and thunders approaching she refuses to stay in the storm. She wants to marry Bad Gregory before. They decide they will announce they engagement in a super barbecue Lionel Barrymore is organizing.  

The day of the barbecue

So many things happening.

1. Tanned Jennifer is very happy. She's wearing a pretty white dress. 

2. Lillian Gish is informed that Charming Joseph has become a very successful personality in the city.

3. Bad Gregory is calming down his pops Lionel: he's just fooling around with Jennifer Jones.

Bad Gregory starts dancing with Jennifer Jones. She asks him when are they telling the happy news. And Bad Gregory is all "what happy news? what are you talking about?".

They go to discuss to a little office.

In this little office Jennifer's dreams and hopes are completely shattered. Basically Bad Gregory tells her to stop nagging, he won't marry her, and she can go away if she wants and adds some racist comment

Jennifer Jones leaves. Not really, she goes to the garden. And cries. Then a man approaches. He's a new worker and says that he doesn't really like balls (dances). He looks like an old Joseph Cotten:

Jennifer decides he's a good guy...to make Gregory jealous. So they go back and dance to the techno music while Bad Gregory looks at them (trying to copy their techno moves).

Some days later...

Old Joseph Cotten Look-Alike, the worker, asks Jennifer to marry him. He's really a good guy. He offers her a modest but happy life. She says yes.

More days later...

The Real Charming Joseph Cotten arrives in a train...with his Charming Bride. Some cowboy notifies him of Jennifer's situation: she is going to get marry the worker ...only if Bad Gregory wants to.

Then one day....

Apparently Bad Gregory didn't want to: she shoots Old Joseph Cotten Look-Alike. Now he's an outlaw and a reward is offered for his capture. In the funeral, we can see in Jennifer Jones' eyes she wants revenge.

In the ranch...

Lionel Barrymore is arguing with Lillian Gish. She looks more fragile than ever. They blame each other. He wants Jennifer out; she says she will stay as much as her.*Coughs*

Then in some secret place...

Lionel asks Gregory to stay away for awhile. The situation is serious. He asks his son to take care of himself.

Then in some railroad...

Bad Gregory didn't quite get the message. From the words of his dad he understood: "provoke an accident in the train and make it explode". So he does.

Then he visits Jennifer in the ranch.

In the ranch...

Jennifer is definitely bipolar, she forgot everything about her revenge and wants Gregory back.

The sheriff or someone like that arrives to the ranch asking for Bad Gregory. Lionel doesn't know, Fragile Lillian Gish doesn't know, Jennifer doesn't know...well, she knows that Bad Gregory is hiding behind her door, but she doesn't want to say. 

When he's safe, he decides to go away again to Mexico. She wants to go with him. He doesn't agree: he just want to visit her some nights and nothing more.

Jennifer is being treated like trash (again). But now she takes the pieces of her shattered pride and puts them together. She won't accept this situation anymore, she's a good girl and her pride means a lot to her...she...

Just kidding...she says she won't talk about marriage anymore, that she will be his servant, that she can't love another man...and takes his leg, while he walks, cleaning the floor with her pjs (now she has pajamas)...

PLEASE, TAKE ME WITH YOU, BAD GREGORY!

Bad Gregory kicks her and then almost hits her head with door when he leaves (Jennifer's health: -4). She stays on the cold floor, abandoned.

In Lillian Gish's bedroom...

She's dying. I told you she looked too fragile and delicate.

Lionel is there, and Lillian points out that is the first time he's been there since she tried to abandon him, many years ago. He starts getting angry, while she starts dying in a very silent-film-way. Then he recognizes that everything was his fault and gives a long speech about how much he really loved her...while dying Lillian crawls to his side.


*Dies*

Some days later...

Charming Joseph wants to see her sick mother. The only problem is that she passed away already. Now he talks to Jennifer. He understands everything. He wants to take care of her. With his bride.

In some near town

Charming Joseph Cotten receives a message from Bad Gregory: he's pissed off because he took Jennifer away. If she doesn't go back, he'll be there next morning.

The next morning...

Gregory arrives. He orders Joseph to take a revolver, he will start shooting from a distance anyway.

Joseph doesn't take the revolver and Gregory shoots him from a distance anyway.

*Falls wounded*

(You think that was the most boring DUEL IN THE SUN ever)

Then in front of a fake painting of mountains

Lionel Barrymore recognizes before a friend that Bad Gregory was bad and Charming Joseph was good.

Back in town....

Tanned Jennifer meets the Charming Bride. She realizes Charming Bride is very kind and the perfect wife for Charming Joseph (he's recovering from the attack). She also realizes she had forgotten her revenge. She wants it NOW!

DUEL IN THE SUN!

Tanned Jennifer gets more tanned, because she wants to "meet" Gregory before he crosses the border, so she rides her super horse under the hot sun.

She arrives, and Gregory says hello from the hill...

She shoots him.

She thinks he *died* and kind of regrets it. But he didn't die and starts calling her names. Now she's pissed off again and wants more revenge. She starts climbing the hill and very cleverly stands in a rock in her discrete red skirt.

He shoots her.

She's wounded. Her chest is bleeding. She falls, hitting the dusty rocks (Jennifer's health: -500).

He thinks she *died*. He first smiles but then kind of regrets it. Starts calling her name.

He receives another shot for an answer.
He starts crawling in her direction. Then she starts crawling in his direction to finish her work.

When Jennifer, with her bleeding heart has crawled 70% of the hill (according to Imdb real Jennifer Jones' health: -20). Gregory calls her: he's really dying.

Now Jennifer forgets everything again. She forgets that she was there to kill him. And now she "rushes" by his side.

By the time she reaches Gregory's dying place, she's dying too.

He: Let me hold you
She: Hold me.

They hold and *die*

(Jennifer's health: N/A).

THE END.

"Duel in the sun" (1946): In My Own Words! (PART I)

For those who don't know what "IN MY OWN WORDS!" implies: when I see a movie that's so strange (like The Fountainhead) or bad (like The Garden of Allah), I re-tell it, from beginning to end...in my own words. So obviously there are spoilers ahead.

Well, the other day I was doing a bit of research for my post on Prissy, played by Butterfly McQueen. In her filmography I noticed she worked in a movie called Duel in the sun with this minor cast:

• Gregory Peck
• Joseph Cotten
• Jennifer Jones
• Lionel Barrymore
• Lillian Gish
• Herbert Marshall
• Walter Huston
• Otto Kruger

You know...little people. I thought: "OMG, I need to watch this". And I did, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this...thing.

So here it goes....DUEL IN THE SUN

David Selznick's usual grandiose titles:

[Epic Music] Ahhh, this is so epic...this the story of Pearl who died young. Ahhh.[/Epic Music]

The place: it doesn't matter. Picture this: cowboys, Herbert Marshall, Indian/Mexican women (Hollywood doesn't care about the differences) on a set.

The people:

a) Really tanned Jennifer Jones aka Pearl. The daughter.

b) Herbert Marshall as a very refined gentleman. The father.

c) Some Indian/Mexican woman dancing wildly and then getting a room with some random guy (obviously). The mother.

Chapter 1. Jennifer becomes an orphan

b) kills c) and then he dies because it's the law. a) is sent to live with her dad's rich ex- girlfriend, Lillian Gish. 

First day at her new home. 

a) is very happy, because she meets Lillian's son, who is very polite and nice and a lawyer and Joseph Cotten (altogether: sighs). Lillian is a very kind lady too (and looks fragile as a little bird) and makes her feel at home and gives her a free tour around the house (like: these are the cows and those, the horses).

But Lionel Barrymore, Lillian's hubby and owner of the ranch, hates Jennifer and doesn't want her there because: 

1. She's the daughter of his wife's ex.

2. Because she's half breed.

3. Because Jennifer Jones is too tanned. 

4. He was tired of being the nice uncle in every movie he made.

When a) thinks that she finished meeting new people...another Lillian's son, Gregory Peck looking super young, arrives in his horse. And when you're thinking how nice Gregory always is...he isn't. HE'S THE BAD GUY! You can tell by the way she looks at a), it's like "I want you with fries on the side". Obviously, Lillian doesn't notice the evil look in her son's eyes.

Anyway, Lillian plays the piano for Jennifer Jones and then she sends her to bed. It's been a long day, but before arriving to her room, Jennifer makes three stops to be:

1. Harassed by Lionel Barrymore ("How did they come to name you Pearl? Couldn't have much eye for color, couldn't they? HAHAHA!")

2. Impressed by Joseph Cotten's good looks and charm and kindness (she looks in love with him).

3. Practically abused by Bad Gregory Peck.

Everything in less than 10 minutes.

Second day at her new home.

Bad Gregory Peck starts showing off his riding skills to impress a). For some reason, she is still talking to him, especially after he gave her a super horse. The only problem is that she doesn't know how to control a horse and she falls (Jennifer's health: -1). And for another reason we don't get, she falls and stays this way:

So obviously Bad Gregory has a super idea: wanna go swimming?. And she's like offended and rides her horse back home yelling "I WON'T, I WON'T" (but we get that someday SHE WILL, SHE WILL).

Joseph Cotten is more puzzled than us, of course. But Jennifer says she doesn't care about Bad Gregory and urges Joseph to go for a walk by the light of the moon (looking in love with him)...while Gregory pretends he's singing and playing the guitar (and you think: "oh, so Gregory and Joseph are gonna be in a DUEL IN THE SUN").

Third day at her new home

Some sweaty cowboys are finishing their work in the ranch. Jennifer decided to go swimming by herself, but for some reason we don't get she makes herself very visible. 

Because she couldn't ride behind the hill, right?

One of the cowboys notices her riding to the pond and alerts Bad Gregory. He arrives to the pond and sees naked Jennifer swimming (you could sell bathing suits and become a millionaire). Annoying Gregory stays there, watching.

And that's basically how the third day is spent: Jennifer can't come out all naked, even if she's very tanned.

Finally, she arrives all wet to dinner, furious and very late. Delicate and fragile Lillian Gish politely asks if she went swimming with Gregory and she says no. Bad Gregory enters and is all: "oh, what fun we had swimming, etc etc".

Awkward.

Lillian is shocked.

Later that night.

Lillian invited a priest to talk to Jennifer. Apparently, she didn't like to use a proper pjs (you could sell pajamas and become a millionaire). The priest doesn't seem to mind that fact. 

He says some words to save her soul and gives her a medallion. Lillian is relieved.

Fourth day at her new home.

Selznick, King Vidor and the dozen writers they had working in the script, remembered this one was a western and introduced some random action: some guys wanted to build a railroad in Lionel Barrymore's land and he goes riding with like 1,345,567,597,400 of his workers to stop them. 

Joseph Cotten is against this fight and he agrees with the train people. Then the army arrives and the dispute is over. Lionel Barrymore always preferred Bad Gregory Peck, but now he just hates Joseph Cotten: he can't live in his ranch anymore.

That night. 

We see Jenifer Jones washing the floor in her room. Bad Gregory Peck arrives with his evil face. He has the worst intentions. And she doesn't fight anymore. Quite the opposite really.

[Lightings and thunders on the background.]

And then...

To be continued...here.

The Garden of Allah (1936): In My Own Words

This movie was so bad I had to tell it... in my own words. And because I'm going to tell it from beginning to end, here I place a...

MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!

You've been warned.

DAVID O. SELZNICK presents

"Marlene Dietrich is dumped by her monk husband...in Technicolor".

The place: North Africa.

The people:

a) Marlene Dietrich, a fragile girl that wants to live in reclusion in the desert after her dad died and

b) Charles Boyer, a monk that escaped from his convent.

And you learn all this in the very first minutes. Really. Zero mystery.

So, Marlene and Charles meet in a train heading for the desert. Well, what really happens is that she looks at him all the way, while he looks...troubled and sad (in Technicolor). When they arrive to destination Charles just go away with his suitcase and a guy offers his services to Marlene. Because he tells some jokes, we know he's the comic relief character. 

And by now we also know that Marlene lacks eyebrows (in Technicolor).

Later that day...

Fragile Marlene, wearing a shiny new outfit goes to a popular club in the desert. There is Charles doing what he likes the most: looking sad and troubled, while an exotic dancer moves her skeleton around.

And for some reason we don't get, Marlene is super attracted to the depressed guy. A riot starts and Charles conducts Marlene to the exit. Now they're like BFF and talk like quoting poems from a really bad book. Marlene talks with a tiny voice and when you're trying to figure out why she's imitating Minnie Mouse...

The prediction

...BOOM: a guy that's supposed to be a native fortune-teller, but really is an actor with a heavy dark make up, opens his eyes so much you think his eyeballs are gonna pop out.

And when he completely overacts you know he wants to say something important...but Charles doesn't care and they go away. Some days later, Marlene returns by herself and the fortune-teller predicts that:

a) They're gonna be happy and dream with unicorns and rainbows, BUT...

b) ....

Marlene stops him because she doesn't want to know the bad news. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT WE ALREADY KNOW CHARLES IS A MONK THAT ESCAPED FROM A FREAKING CONVENT AND THEY CAN'T POSSIBLY BE TOGETHER IN THOSE TIMES...unless he's really called Maria and plays the guitar.

Anyway, Marlene and Charles are all like "Hey, meet cha at the oasis (in Technicolor)" etc etc...and even when the local priest warned them, they get married and Charles keeps his little secret.

The happy times.

Their honeymoon consist in wandering through the desert with a bunch of guys and their camels (in Technicolor). I know those are the happy times because the director decided to include some titles in italic that come from nowhere and say cheesy things like:

"Over the sand and under the shiny moon, all their dreams come true".

 
OK, I kind of modify a little the original text. But Marlene and Charles do say things like (this is for real):

Marlene: The sand is so warm. So alive.
Charles: It is warm for us, Domini. Alive for us.

 (They embrace on the sand [In Technicolor]. Fade out).

By now fragile Marlene has worn like 40 different shiny outfits and Charles' expression has gone from sad to super sad.

End of the happy times

As we were expecting, now come the sad times. Not only because the titles have gone, but because Charles  is now so depressed that when butterflies are near him, they die; the flowers wither; the hyenas cry; the sad clown commits suicide, etc etc. 

Some lost soldiers arrive to the newlyweds' super fancy tents (wait a minute, how can a monk that sworn eternal vows to poverty afford such a trip?). Anyway, one of the soldiers recognizes Charles and leaves without saying a word. Soon after that some guy arrives looking for Charles.  Marlene, in another shiny outfit, now really wants to know her husband's secret.

Now you think,"uhm, maybe he had a dark secret, like he killed someone or didn't read the Bible one day...something that compensates knowing the truth all the way."

Charles' explanation is...he saw....a woman....and a guy...hugging (in Technicolor)...and he wanted to feel some love too. 

Epilogue. 

Marlene is super hyperventilated and overacts just like the fortune-teller. And she protest, using her Minnie Mouse voice: "But, NO, WHY YOU DID IT? YOUR VOWS? WHAT HAPPENED WITH THEM? BUT YOUR VOWS? (changes outfit) AND YOUR VOWS? VOWS! VOWS!...".

And now you know is all over. Because, even when they're officially married, God can't share Charles' love with Marlene and he returns to the convent (in Technicolor)

The end.

Then you stare at the black screen for five minutes.

The Fountainhead (1949) in my own words: PART II

(I just realized that I completely altered the order of the events in the previous post...LOL!! I told you I'm like Dori from Finding Nemo).

Previously on The Fountainhead.... 

Coop wants to build his own designs...Patricia Neal doesn't want to feel attached to pretay things...Coop is broke and meets Patricia who doesn't know who he really is...Patricia is attracted to Coop, but whips him in the pretay face anyway... 

What will happen between these two? Find out next:

Coop is tired of Patricia's shenanigans, so he decides to visit her that night.

CENSORED by the Hays Code.

*Later that night*
Coop goes back to his little room and finds a little letter asking him to build a huge building. He leaves, without saying goodbye.

Patricia, following her daily schedule, rides her horse to stalk Coop...just to find out that he's gone. And she doesn't want to ask his name to the other workers, otherwise the movie would be 20 minutes shorter.

*Events that I told you last night but should go here*

Now Coop builds a super duper skyscraper. Now the newspaper starts a campaign against him. Now Patricia quits from the newspaper job. Now her boss says he loves her (and she delivers this great line: If I ever decide to punish myself for some terrible guilt...I'll marry you. LOL)

*Basically, yesterday's post should have been there*

Anyway, Patricia is at a very elegant party. There aren't prettay things to break (only her dress, but she doesn't want to go around naked).

Patricia is really bored.

But Coop, now without the hand drill but in a super elegant tuxedo, joins the party. A guy introduces him to Patricia.

She thinks: OH-MY-GOD. The sweaty worker = the terrific architect. I can't believe this!

 He says:  I read your column every day.

Then they get a room...to talk about their future. She explains her issue with pretay things and says that she's completely in love with him and begs him to quit architecture (otherwise bad guys will destroy him) so they can live together in the country.

Coop says he won't. But he loves her. And because he has a crystal ball he says that they won't be together like until the end of the movie.

*Later*
Patricia marries her ex boss.
Coop is broke because of the bad publicity.

*Even later*
The Dark-columnist-like-the-one-from-Ratatouille sees Coop on the streets and tells him that he's the one who convinced the newspaper owner to start a campaign against him. They have the next heated argument:

Dark Columnist: Wanna know why?
Coop: No.

*Later than even later*
Coop starts building small things in his modern way. Like a sand castle and a toy house. Just kidding. He builds a farm and prettay buildings like this one:

(......)

He works until he gets his reputation back. Now guess WHO WANTS TO HIRE HIM?

The Fountainhead (1949) in my own words: PART I

Last night I finally saw this famous movie starring Gary Cooper and Patricia Neal.

Sometimes I really enjoy the performances and the whole movie, but I just have to tell the story in my own way (like when I told you about The Naked Jungle). So click the links if you want serious info (and if you, like me, think that Wikipedia is a valid source) about the background of the novel or the  author.

The movie is about a young architect (played by a not so young Coop) that loves to design buildings his own modern way.

Like if you say, 'hey Coop, I'd like to put a prettay entrance to my new house, maybe a Greek column or something" he'd kill you and throw the drafts to the mud.

Coop had a master, like in Karate Kid, but in the architecture world. Well, they don't do exercises or kick the air in a boat... actually, this master dies at the beginning, being poor and nobody cares because he built like he wanted. But before he dies, he says to Coop: "don't live my way kid, give your customers what they want, etc etc". *Dies*

BUT Coop doesn't listen to him, because he wants to sell his own designs.

The thing is that he's brilliant. And some people notice. Like one a year. So after 4 years of work, he has  built only 4 buildings and has like 14 dollars on his pocket.

Then a rich guy decides to hire him. And Coop builds a super duper skyscraper for him.

* Meanwhile in a popular newspaper* An architecture columnist thinks that Coop is brilliant (told ya) but he wants to destroy him. And when you say, but why are you so mean Mr. Dark-Columnist-Like-That-One from- Ratatouille?,  he rubs his hands and laughs in a very evil way.

 Just kidding. Kind of.

So he convinces his boss to start a campaign against Coop, that way they will increase their sales. Because, you know, people loves architecture gossip. So he writes something like "his buildings are ugly and I don't like them. He should have made a Greek column and a baroque balcony etc"

AND this newspaper is so popular that MAKES PEOPLE TALK ABOUT ARCHITECTURE! Like in the bus, some women say (something like):

Woman A: "hey did you hear about the new building?"

Woman B: "yeah, I know, I hate it. He should have made a Greek column and a baroque balcony!"

Woman A: "I think the same!"

Woman B: "Well, this is my stop. I'll call you later to discuss more about the building"

Woman A: "I'll be waiting for your call"

*Meanwhile in Patricia Neal's department*

Patricia (she was 22 when they filmed this movie) is voluntarily dropping a sculpture that looks prettay expensive from her window...why? Well, according to her, because it's too prettay, so she can't be attached to it (can you imagine what she's going to do when she meets Coop aka one of the most handsome men ever?).

The thing is that Patricia is also an architecture columnist for this popular newspaper (and the big boss is in love with her), so when she finds out about the campaign against the mysterious architect, she quits. But don't worry, she's the daughter of a millionaire, so she won't be starving.

*Later*

Coop is unemployed and working in a quarry. The poor kid. The owner of this thing is Patricia's father. Patricia is spending a little nice vacation there and goes riding...and sees a very prettay guy working with a very old hand drill under the sun, all sweaty...

She doesn't know who he is, but she's obsessed with him. She remembers his arm and the hand drill (I can say, because the arm and the hand drill are shown superposed to Patricia Neal sitting and thinking).

But because she has this weird issue with prettay things, she behaves...weirdly. Like she starts stalking the poor worker. If you could read her agenda, this is what you'd see:

8:00AM: Wake up.

8:20AM: Ride my prettay horse (mental note: gotta kill it) to the quarry.

8.25AM to 20PM: Stalk the worker with the arm and the hand drill.

Then in the next page you could read this plan:

How can I make this guy come to my prettay house (mental note: I have to make it explode)?? OHH, I'll break my marble chimney and make him fix it. I'm so clever.

Coop ain't no fool and knows what's happening in Patricia's mind. So he writes a mental note himself:

Go and check her problem the first time. She'll think he has me at her feet and that I'll be back to fix it. But I'll send an ugly guy instead. LOL.

But Patricia has no humor so she rides and rides and whips Coop. In the prettay face. Really.

AND THEN...

To be continued....


(PART II)

"The Naked Jungle" or how to make an entertaining...mess

I know today wasn't very a very joyful day, but I'll try to write something funny to cheer you up. Last night I saw "The Naked Jungle" (Byron Haskin; 1954) and I learnt a lot about how to write an entertaining script based in a) the attraction of the main characters b) a wild natural menace. 

Just TEN easy steps!

1. Locate the picture in a very remote place. Like in a jungle in South America, inhabited by natives who give their children to strangers because they have too many. 

2. Introduce the main characters, making clear that wild things could happen between them. For example, invent that Charlton Heston, the guy living in the jungle, ordered a wife by mail (really) and Eleanor Parker answered. Not very believable, but works.

3. About the horrible natural menace: you should make clear that something very awful and deadly is going to happen. Make some random characters look to horizon and say cryptic lines like: "There have been many such birds lately. My government wants to know all about these birds." and then add "I hope it remains so, only a mystery."

4. Reinforce the idea that very wild things could happen between the main characters. Some examples: a)  make Eleanor Parker wear a very revealing pajama for the first time she says hello to her sweaty husband. b) give her lines like "I'm not undressed" or dialogs like this:

--I knew you needed me.

--I don't need anyone. 

--Not even for children?

Get the idea?

5. Now, we need an opposed force to the energy we just created. Let's say that Charlton founds out that Eleanor was married before and becomes angry and starts to make hurtful remarks. Examples: "The only condition I ever made about anything I brought up the river was that it be new" or "Madam, this piano you're sitting at was never played by anyone before it came here". Ouch. The idea is that he now hates her. But really loves her. These two last sentences could be mathematically explained in this equation: 

Energy + opposed force = ?

6. Oh, don't forget the horrible natural menace. Keep adding lines by random characters. "Something wrong with that bird. Hasn't said a word for three days..." Really effective. Kind of creepy. Makes the audience wonder. 

7. Back to the equation. The audience is expecting to see the final result (?). Let's give them some additional elements. For example, a physical confrontation, including a very drunk Charlton and Eleanor back in her pajamas (yes something like the scene from "Gone with the wind").
At the end nothing has to really happen, or the energy will be lost. Let's Charlton restrain himself, leave his wife's bedroom, but not before revealing something very meaningful:

 "I told you I was 18 when I came out here. Before that, I had no time for women. Afterwards... In the jungle, they have a name for the man who goes into the native villages at night. No one calls me by that name. You said I didn't know anything about women. You were right, madam. I know nothing about women. Nothing at all."

Exactly. He needs her.

8.  Keep boosting each element of the equation. Charlton decides to send Eleanor back to New Orleans (opposed force). He will give her a lift in his boat and then continue to investigate what's happening in the jungle, because something is driving the animals out and he thinks "it's something big". Oh, before they go, Charlton must change his attitude (energy), being more friendly, starting to call his wife for her first name, showing his sensitive side and saying things like :

--You don't dislike me anymore?

-- I never did.

9. As you can see, we're approaching to the climax. In the trip a) They must discover that the mortal natural menace is the MARABUNTA (the ants must seem like a huge shadow covering the hills leaving only destruction) b) the main characters have to be seen with less clothes and sweaty. A medicine rubbing scene would help:

(EDIT: sorry folks, Youtube couldn't handle the heat and the video is not longer available. Get a copy of the film to see it!)

Then, obviously Eleanor is staying with Charlton, even when she knows she could die.

10. To end the entertaining mess you'll need: a) A big plan to detain the MARABUNTA and scenes of natives fighting with them b) Leave alone the main characters in the house expecting the hungry MARABUNTA (and finally having their honeymoon). c) Charlton finally defeating the MARABUNTA and the main characters embracing. THE END.

(Interested in this entertaining mess? It's on Amazon: The Naked Jungle)